OCD Christianity

Emily and I are reading through my dating journal - lots of fun! But it's given me a lot of insight of times increased spiritual turmoil for me. I read about a few particular instances which I view quite differently now. I was so set on growing into a godly boyfriend that could become a godly spouse. Between that and guilt from my concurrent college classes and books, I actually did what many Christians dont: I beat my body into submission. One of these specifics revolved around sleep. Every day of college I woke up craved bedtime, or sleep any way I could get it. Waking up is still the hardest thing I do every day :) I would sleep till the last minute possible, eat a quick (but healthy :) breakfast on the way to class, and get there on the money at best - not too far from what I do now.

Oh I was going to lasso down that laziness, and add to it 6:00 am prayer meeting at Saylorville Baptist 2 times a week for extra pursuit of joy in God. And here's where my journal triggered the ridiculous memory. After one of those mornings of prayer, I stopped at Matt & Molly's to squeeze in a nap I was craving until my next class. I remember laying on M & Ms bed for minutes debating if it was fleshly to take a nap then. I spent so much time and anxiety wondering how this fit into my pursuit of God the anxiety wasted the entire free time. So much for God being desirable. I made my way to class with my stomach in knots and emotions in depression.

Funny how all that time, without knowing, I was a double major of the hardest program at Faith, while having OCD, Depression, and Sleep Apnea. And so many people would have encouraged what was going on here, while meeting half the standards with less than half the baggage. This is what Christianity should NOT look like! The book I am writing, Trail of Trees, is why I'm freed from the former scenario. I don't know where I'd be without at least this degree of freedom.

So thanks to my journal for reminding me of what I've been freed from...