Diary of an OCD Kid

So I've been going through my diaries out of curiosity and come across some interesting things; glimpses of OCD in my childhood.
Notice all the darkened areas. At a glance, it could look like just sloppy elementary handwriting. But you'll notice there was nothing wrong with most of those areas, but they just bothered me for no apparent reason so I had to "fix" them. This is not normal. Now wonder I was always behind with my diary, it took so darn long to get through writing!

Notice how "Sincerely Casey" was perfectly fine and yet got crossed out, but the second doesn't look any better, but for some reason it was okay. And the triangles of "sincerely's" on the one page is weird. I remember knowing this stuff was weird, and so sometimes I would try and make it look like I was just doodling or try and add an error to a word on purpose to make it look legitimate.

These are just small examples of what would consume some days in my life as a child.

Update

Well I was told my testosterone level is fine and so no further progress, which was a disappointment. Interesting how there are scenarios in which you want something to be wrong with you! Went to the Dr. today and upped my latest medication.
I have had a more difficult week with OCD. It can really affect my daily life such as little appetite and no interest in anything but sleep. But I'm doing okay now I believe. I touched up on my OCD knowledge to help. I was telling Katie on our trip that I'm the hardest one to convince I have OCD and have to keep reminding myself; Imagine your brain telling your emotions something miserable and attaching to some random thought or action. Today has been a day of victory though in telling myself that the emotions have NOTHING to do with the content my brain says they are connected to, which has been helping. It's like having your brain sabotaging you.
I would like to post some excerpts from my book "Brain Lock" to give you more insight on this bizarre disorder, as it's hard enough for even me to understand, but a little tired; will do soon.

Sleep, My Enemy and Friend

Sleep is my best friend and my worst enemy. I crave it, yet I don't want to. It feels good, yet I want to need it less. Sleep is like an escape from reality, which makes it so appealing for me. Plus between depression, sleep apnea, and medications, it seems like I'm perpetually sleepy!
The first 3 hours this morning at work however were that extreme narcoleptic type of sleepiness where I, no joke, had my eyes nodding off while talking to my first hour of customers- strange feeling having that little control over one's social etiquette! - falling asleep during conversations is a symptom of narcolepsy...and Im not sure I've ever felt it to that degree. (not that I have narcolepsy)
Being tired yet being at school or work is torture, like prison where all you can do is crave a nap but can't say, "Excuse me, I'm going home because I've reached an extreme level of tired!" :) Plus everyone always says they're tired.
Well for the life of me I didn't know why I got hit so hard this morning in particular! The one medication I have that I actually feel results from is the one for anxiety, such as shortly after Irelyn was born. It brings me back to status quo depression, and has made me feel drowsy at times, but have been able to use it effectively in mornings for work, so I was hoping it wasn't that.
Then I remember I just up-ed the dosage on my new medication and take it morning an night now. Oh boy! I hate that feeling so hopefully my body adjusts. Just interesting entering the life of medications. Today Emily said I need a medicine cabinet because I had literally like 10 bottles sitting on the bathroom counter- but it's just because we keep trying new meds and I have all these left-over failure meds:)
Anyway, I better quit blogging now before I get adsfffffffffffffffffffffffdfffffsssssssssssssssd I don't want to ride the pony

Dr. Appointment

I had another check up with my psychiatrist last Wednesday. I had been on Luvox, the 'Cadillac' of OCD medication for about a month or more with no changes. I think he was expecting it to work, because last time we talked we were going to go for longer periods with one medication, yet now he said we might as try new meds.
Interestingly enough, he has me on a medication he said he hasn't used in a long time....long enough he needed to go back to his office to check on doses, frequencies, etc!
If this doesn't work, he said Ritalin would help with depression and motivation, but could worsen the OCD, so that wasn't the best sounding option.
However, the part Im most curious about is he wants me to get labs done, specifically looking at Vitamin D & Testosterone levels..... So that explains it!!! ;) Maybe there could be something there...we'll see. But that's where I'm at...
Among all of the Malloy physical ailments, whose got the next update!

OCD Christianity

Emily and I are reading through my dating journal - lots of fun! But it's given me a lot of insight of times increased spiritual turmoil for me. I read about a few particular instances which I view quite differently now. I was so set on growing into a godly boyfriend that could become a godly spouse. Between that and guilt from my concurrent college classes and books, I actually did what many Christians dont: I beat my body into submission. One of these specifics revolved around sleep. Every day of college I woke up craved bedtime, or sleep any way I could get it. Waking up is still the hardest thing I do every day :) I would sleep till the last minute possible, eat a quick (but healthy :) breakfast on the way to class, and get there on the money at best - not too far from what I do now.

Oh I was going to lasso down that laziness, and add to it 6:00 am prayer meeting at Saylorville Baptist 2 times a week for extra pursuit of joy in God. And here's where my journal triggered the ridiculous memory. After one of those mornings of prayer, I stopped at Matt & Molly's to squeeze in a nap I was craving until my next class. I remember laying on M & Ms bed for minutes debating if it was fleshly to take a nap then. I spent so much time and anxiety wondering how this fit into my pursuit of God the anxiety wasted the entire free time. So much for God being desirable. I made my way to class with my stomach in knots and emotions in depression.

Funny how all that time, without knowing, I was a double major of the hardest program at Faith, while having OCD, Depression, and Sleep Apnea. And so many people would have encouraged what was going on here, while meeting half the standards with less than half the baggage. This is what Christianity should NOT look like! The book I am writing, Trail of Trees, is why I'm freed from the former scenario. I don't know where I'd be without at least this degree of freedom.

So thanks to my journal for reminding me of what I've been freed from...

Dating My Wife

I want to spend the rest of my wife dating my wife :) Before Irelyn came Emily always expressed the desire to not let parenthood keep us from living our lives and I whole-heartedly agree. And there have been adjustments we've needed to make naturally. But just the other day I was thinking back even further to before we were married. Emily and I began recalling the things we would do together. Not always something grand, but many times simple. It got my heart jittery again, and I know I want to date this woman with everything I have! This is all to her credit because she is a special woman.

The other day at work someone asked where I was going to eat lunch. I said I was going home to eat to see my little girl, and I wasn't really feeling like going out to eat with a co-worker. But I gave that response because I feel like not enough people relate to "Im going home to eat and see my wife." Much to my sorrow it seems a lot of people are more interested in their kids than their spouse. Although I love my daughter and she'll always be precious to me, deep down I go home to get to see my wife and seeing my baby girl is icing on the cake.

Blog Traffic

One fun feature of having a blog is you can track your traffic; views by day, particular entry views, even location!
I have many views from the US, several from South Korea....oh yeah and 1 from Israel :)

Test

Testing email notifications for mom

Sleep Test

This is more just exploring adding pictures to a post, but while Im at it, this is what they do to you if you go in for a sleep test.
Mild Sleep Apnea is my latest diagnosis, enough to get me the cool machine! We'll see what role it plays in my life if any. I at least don't almost fall asleep while driving anymore, but still the hardest thing I do every day is wake up :)

Irelyn Rose Malloy

You may have already seen them, but here is the link to Hilary's album of my little pumpkin seed

Irelyn Rose

Upgrades

My thanks to Hilary who designed this upgrade to my picture! Looks much more professional now :) I'm learning some great things regarding my blogs, pictures, and networking online.

Nature of Change

It seems to me, if one wants to change, one tends to fight and resist and discipline themselves out of a particular habit. Ironically, these people are all the while tied to their vice. While the true change happens much more seamlessly, effortlessly, and in a single moment of realization of the freedom and joy of the antithesis

Pills to Swallow

Had a very encouraging talk with Dr. Dilley on Friday. Before I explained what was haunting me, he reminded me no matter what it was the OCD. It seems to be especially spiritually related thoughts that get me with my OCD. The inexplainably difficult part is that my brain tells my emotions it is what Im fixated on - and I mean deeply painful emotions. It is so helpful to be reminded I have OCD and that's exactly what is causing these horrors. But it's not just my family that may have difficulty understanding OCD and what me having it entails. I have just as much difficulty reminding and convincing myself of it. But it is so freeing and the only way to conquer such abnormal emotional tortures. And praise God for the uniquely similar spiritual insight Dr. Dilley and i share or it would make our meetings much less comforting.

Work In Progress

Still working to streamline this blog...like shrink this pic! Also, Hil took some photos of Irelyn I need to add! If you want to check out a sweet blog, go to Hilary's and of course look at Irelyns pics!

On being a new dad, the biggest thing I've noticed is that my time is not my own, esp. as Irelyn seems crabby most times she's awake. But today I caught a peek at a smile from behind her "passy" and those two little dimples are beautiful! Can't wait to see more of those, and a little reminder this will be time well spent.

Renewed motivation

I am recently inspired to work on completing my book, write multiple lyrics, and research the process of publishing my wedding song and potentially my book and other songs. Who knows where God will take this, but I think God has given me material worth sharing

Jesus Videos

My nieces today were watching a movie w/ reenactments of Jesus stories. At this point in my life for myself I don't like them. It makes me long for the reality of it that we can't capture divinely meshed with the supernatural precious personality of Jesus and his acts. Oh how I would squeeze him and take in the smell of his hope and feel his omnipotent hands and gaze deep into his eyes. It would be like those touching moments of my wife which are echoes of that experiences. Don't give me no videos! But seriously they do have their place

I am aware the nature of this blog is to be centered around me, but I deem this appropriate in what I seek to accomplish.

Today as I drove to pick up some random Items, I had some time to think. Hope is so powerful. Hope means I believe I won't simply observe a better future, I will actually feel it, breathe it, look back to black days and applaud God for them for bringing me here. I want to have a deep satisfaction in life because of God in which I wake up each morning glad to be alive just because I enjoy it. I was made to

My emotional temperature tells me I am not here yet. Two days ago I ran a transaction for an elderly gentleman. I felt envious of him: envious of his age, envious of how much less of life he had to suffer through, envious of how close I could be to heaven if it were me. I know this is not normal.

Currently I am on the inside of that barbed wire, but I understand that just behind those thorns of pain a consuming glow of the sun and the cross of thorns promises me I'll be on the other side someday before heaven, not longing to be in my latter years, but soaking up what God allows me to experience in the now.

Today watching Dave Ramseys DVDs on financial peace and have been inspiring on being more proactive. Worth checking out his website

Being Candid

Here is what I want from this blog if I keep up. The hope which keeps me going is that of the ultimate goodness of God and how that plays/will play out in my life. This doesnt mean every post will be of spiritual nature. But I hope this to be of enrichment in those connected, and for me to track God's working in my life